I recently had the opportunity to visit with a good friend who I hadn’t seen since my wedding. It was wonderful to reconnect and we picked up right where we had left off. It had been a long time since we had even spoken with each other and so it was a chance to rekindle our friendship and we parted company with the promise to both make a more concerted effort to stay in touch until the next time we can see each other.
So often in this busy world we get caught up in our day-to-day lives and we forget how important friendships are and how much we need our friends. And in the social media world, it seems that we equate the number of “friends” we have on Facebook or the number of “likes” a posting gets with friendships.
Friendships take effort to maintain, but they are essential in our lives. And we have different friends for different reasons. For example, we have mutually beneficial friendships, or friends of “advantage”, which are useful to both parties. Or we have friendships with people with whom we have common mutual interests or with whom we enjoy doing certain activities together. But our strongest friendships require each person to put the interests of the other above their own. These friendships make us want to put another person first by trying to altruistically understand them.
Re-igniting one of these types of altruistic friendships has made me reflect on the art of listening. As musicians we tend to think that we are good listeners because we have to use listening skills in our craft. We are trained to listen – in our lessons, in rehearsals, at concerts, etc. But so often we tend to hear rather than listen. We are preoccupied with our own lives, our own agendas, our own stories, and we don’t always listen with true understanding. For example, on social media we put out our own comments, thoughts and ideas without engaging with others in a meaningful way. And at concerts we often spoil the music in our own ears because we focus most on the things about the performance that we don’t like. Meaningful friendships require us to truly listen to another person, to understand what they are saying. These types of friendships require us to abandon our insecurities, our selfish attitudes and our egos and to really listen to and understand another person.
Classical music is filled with examples of great works that have been inspired by meaningful relationships and friendships. For example, Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto in E Minor, Op. 64, was inspired by his friendship with the concertmaster of his orchestra, the famous violinist Ferdinand David. And Mussorgsky’s inspiration for Pictures at an Exhibition was the death of his dear friend, the architect and visual artist Victor Hartman. A popular contemporary example is the Friendship Theme from the movie Beaches (which inevitably brings tears to my eyes), an ode to the friendship of the two main characters of the movie.
As musicians, we need meaningful friendships to provide us with creative inspiration. For me, I felt uplifted, inspired, energized and stimulated after I reconnected with my friend. We also need meaningful musical relationships and partnerships. As singers, for example, when performing Art Songs, it is essential that we have a meaningful partnership with a pianist. The Art Song repertoire requires each musician to listen attentively to each other and to really understand what the other person is communicating.
These types of meaningful musical partnerships and friendships are the ones that will stand the test of time. These are the relationships that bring us to a better understanding of another person. When we listen actively and attentively with other musicians we are able to perform music in a more meaningful way. And when we listen to truly understand another person we experience a more meaningful and powerful friendship. As for me, I know that even though I may not see my friend for another five years, our friendship will continue, and when we see each other the next time we will pick up again right in the same place we left off a few weeks ago.